Monday, January 28, 2013

Waiting and trusting

Waiting stinks.
I mean who likes being stuck in a waiting room.
Sure the first half an hour to hour is fine but after you have read all your emails, checked instagram and facebook, browsed Pinterest and read all the good magazines you are ready to move on. 
To get on with or past whatever you are waiting for.

I mentioned before that I'm in a woman's Bible Study at our church.
Right now we are studying Hebrews and this week one of our questions was asking us about
what in our life are we in the waiting room for? 
What impeccable timing for such a question.

2 weeks ago (after an appointment with my new gastroenterologist) I had some blood work repeated and last week I finished another 24 urine test. 
This week the results from my tests finally came in. 
And both tests showed that my levels for neuroendrocrine tumors were elevated.
One test in particular that serves as a tumor marker was 20 times higher than it was just 8 months ago.
The other test was higher than it was the last time I did it but still not super high (which kind of stumps the doctors)
When I first heard this news I was fine.
We have been on the journey to figure out this mystery disease for so long that it was nice to have some kind of answer.
But the more I began to think about it the more I began to worry.
And part of me feels like I have a right to worry.
For one I'm pregnant.
With baby number 4.
And we now have more evidence that cancerous tumors are possibly in my body.
And I need to have a bagillion tests/procedures done to locate the possible tumors and if they are there start treatment on them but remember...I'm pregnant. With baby number 4.
And all of the tests are not safe for pregnant people.
In fact they are highly radioactive.
So much so that I can't be around small kids for multiple days after I get them done. Or nurse for multiple multiple days after I get them done.
And that's only the beginning.
If/when they find the tumors I have a long road of treatment ahead of me. With more tests and procedures.
And a baby.
A sweet little baby that I won't get to enjoy like I did my 3 other kids (who are just waiting for life to get back to normal).
Not to mention that possibly having cancer definitely puts life into perspective.
See all of the rabbit trail that proceeds, is just worry.

And worry is not of the Lord.
These verses have really been ministering to me lately.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-8

And instead of worrying about all of the unknowns or the scary/crazy road ahead I'm learning to trust.
To trust in a God who I love and who loves me.
And who is sovereign and good and in control.
Who is holy and awesome and who's will is perfect. Even when bad things happen.

image found here 


Katy said...

HI Kristin, I know this is so random, especially as I read your blog as a friend of a friend...hahaha, but nonetheless...If it would be any help at aunt is an amazing oncologist and I am sure she would be willing to look over your charts and give her imput if you needed another opinion as for your care. She seriously is amazing and a mom of three :) I know it is random, but maybe helpful :)

Praying for you and your family, lots!! :)
(katy plattner at gmail dot com)

Kathy said...

I am praying for you. This is a hard road the Lord has put before you, but you are trusting and that is good. I am a cancer survivor. God does miracles.

Kristin said...

Praying for you!

The Miller Five said...

Praying hard for you and your family Kristin. I always try to remember that God won't give us more than we can handle. Your faith will guide you through this.

Unknown said...

Oh Kristin I will pray for you, baby and your family. May God be glorified in this. Thankful you are a child of His and although you won't be spared trials we know Christ has gone before you. What joy!

Paula said...

I'm a lurker on your blog. I will have you in my prayers that you receive comfort and strength during this time. Sending you a hug.

k.mart said...

Hi Kristin, I've popped in on your sweet blog over the last several months and always enjoy reading about your family. I have three littles (all girls) almost the exact same ages as yours and my middle is a Maddie (Madison). :) Anyway, I just had to comment today to tell you that I will lift you up in prayer tonight to our Father, the great Physician. Our family has had it's share of crazy, sudden health challenges and I know how hard the waiting can be. May He hold you, your husband, and every one of your precious babies so very close!

Candace said...

Just wanted to let you know that you and your family have been in my prayers!

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